Monday, February 11, 2013

My Hate for Mall Walkers

I work at a mall, and sometimes if I get to work early enough before my shift, I'll sit and eat Dunkin Donuts in the food court. This would be an otherwise pleasent way to spend my morning if it weren't for friggin' mall walkers.

I can't stand anything about then.

First and foremost, they're loud. They're constantly yelling "GOOD MORNING!" and "HEY WHEN DID THEY START LETTING YOU IN HERE!" at eachother. I, for one, am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination. In the morning, especially before coffee, the last thing I want to do is hear people. I think everyone should sit in silence sipping coffee for at least an hour before anyone starts any sort of conversation. But alas, I usually have about three seconds of coffee sipping before mall security opens the doors and they come hobbling on in, hooting and hollering like a bunch of old orangoutangs. There's also this one guy who likes to listen to marching band music on his cassette player as he walks. I wouldn't have much of a problem with it if he used headphones.

They're extremely inconsiderate. Every day they come into the mall and rearrange the tables as they see fit, only to then drape their layers of coats over their now makeshift coat racks. There's this one evil hag who sometimes takes my favorite seat that's far away from everyone, and just leaves her coat there so she can trot around the mall without the inconvenience of her extra layer. I don't much like her. I'd say she's my least favorite mall walker, but she only gets my seat about a quarter of the time. I mostly hate the cliques.

Believe it or not, there are certain "cliques" amongst the mall walkers that you might not know about unless you sit in the mall like a loser and eat breakfast sandwiches like me.

There's what I call the "Gentlemen's Club" who sit over in front of Arby's presumably thinking of ways to make me miserable. These guys are the ones particularly known for their "banter".One time I was unknowingly sitting at one of the tables they normally shove together to fit all 6 of them. As they approached, one of them said, "Should we ask him to move?" Meanwhile, there's a whole room of empty tables and chairs surrounding me. Each one of them could literally have had their own table plus all of the chairs they want to put their feet up and everything. Hell, they could've pushed a bunch of chairs together and made a goddamn bed out of them if they wanted to. Or, with some elbow grease, they could make a casket. But I digress.

The other clique I call "The Council". This is the biggest congregation of shoved together tables, chairs, and old people. There's at least 12 of them all gathered around either gossiping, reading the paper, eating, or playing cards. There's one lady in particular who sits in the center of the group every day. I refer to her as "The Grand-High Witch". I should note that I don't call her this because she's actually a witch (she didn't have purple eyes, at least) and she certainly can't peel off her face Angelica Houston-style. She just sits in the center every day like she's royalty.

I should say that I think it's great people are allowed in the mall to get their exercise on and to socialize. I get it. It's good stuff. But I don't think it would kill anyone to be a little more considerate of others around them. Or maybe it would... I suppose it's best not to risk it at their age.

Also, at the end of the day, the mall is a place for consumerism and shopping. Guess how much shopping they do?

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