Friday, March 15, 2013

My hatred for neighboring bagels.

I'm sick to friggin' death of everyone saying the best bagels.

When I lived in upstate New York, it was nearly impossible for me to enjoy a bagel without someone saying, "You think that's good? You should have a Montreal bagel! They're out of this world!"

Now that I live under an hour away from Boston, all anyone talks about is how awesome the bagels in Boston are.

You know what? Maybe a bagel is a bagel and we should all just sit down in the current city we're living in, shut up, and eat whatever bagel we're given. I have yet to find a bagel that's made me swear off any and all other bagels for the rest of my life. Take any bagel (minus any that contain raisins... are you trying to poison me?) slap some cheese and bacon on it, and I'll eat it.

Make no mistake either; it's not like I'm not extremely picky about food. I have my brands and whatnot that I love, I just don't understand the fuss over something that's supposed to be as simple as a bagel. I guess I haven't lived until I've had a Montreal bagel and I don't know what a real bagel tastes like until I've had a Boston bagel, but you know what? It's a bagel. You know who else has bagels? Dunkin Donuts.

Monday, March 11, 2013

My love for Converse/Dark Purple

I sort of feel like I'm late getting on the band wagon for Converse shoes. Before my 24th birthday, I've never owned a pair of Chuck Taylors. I know! I'm sorry.

My husband and I were out shopping the other day with some friends that were visiting when we noticed Converse was having a sale. I've tried Converse on before, but I always thought they fit a little weird and I kinda hated it. They used to make me feel like I had clown shoes on because you usually have to buy a size or so up so the width is right. I don't know if my foot changed shape, but I love the feel of them now.

I decided I liked the style, but I wasn't infatuated with them until I saw these AMAZING purple shoes. I've been weirdly obsessed with purple lately, specifically this purple. This exact shade. I'm pretty sure that at this point in my life, I'd buy anything this color.

Needless to say, I bought 2 pairs. They were buy one get one half off after all. $60 for 2 pairs of the best shoes in the best color is the best deal ever, and I don't care what anyone says. I'm also especially glad I bought 2 pairs because I accidentally ripped the first pair a little because I was being fat and lazy and tried putting them on without untying them. BIG mistake.

I hope to one day find a dark purple belt to wear with these. Or a hoodie! Yes, a hoodie would be nice.

Monday, February 25, 2013

My love for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

I'm sorry to anyone that doesn't watch Real Housewives or any other reality shows. This is going to be a boring blog that you'll probably hate. Check back on Friday! Maybe whatever I talk about then will tickle your fancy.

I love Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I'd like to wake up every morning knowing that I'm better than that, but I'm not. Admittedly, reality television is complete garbage. I'm pretty sure everyone knows and gets this, but when everything's said and done, there's still something extremely captivating about watching someone through the eyes of a fly on the wall.

RHBH has completely taken over my television. My husband bought me season 3 for my birthday and we've watched almost 15 episodes so far.

I've tried watching other Real Housewives shows but I can't get into it the way I have with RHBH. I think it's Lisa, to be honest. That b*$#@ is so fabulous and amazing I can't even stand it. I wish we were best friends. She wouldn't even have to be out-of-this-world rich. You can take this as my official notice: I'm on the market for a sassy British friend.

I think it's incredible how regardless of their fortunes, a few of the women are still really grounded. There's a few that seem to love their extravagances more than anything, but then you meet people like Kyle and Mauricio who put their kids and family first.

I wanted to go on a fueled rant about some of the characters like Brandy, Taylor, Camille, and Faye (like I did with Martha Jones in one of my last blogs) because each of these girls has their moments, but I hold this show in such a high regard that I don't want to spoil anything for you, the reader (who may or may not be just me.)

Besides, I can rant about Martha Jones until I die without spoiling anything about her season other than the undeniable fact that she's awful. With the Housewives, however, there's very specific situations that make you not like them.

On a related note, one thing I find fascinating about this show is how dramatically my opinion of someone can change from season to season. I've loved and hated Adrienne and Camille, and I'm not really sure how it happened!

The only person I haven't really liked at some point is Taylor. I get it, she's gone through some stuff, but if I can't stand her, at best I feel bad for her.

Anyway, let me know in the comments below who your favorite/least favorite housewife is! If you actually read all of this but don't watch this reality show, which reality show you do watch?

Cya on Friday!

Friday, February 22, 2013

My love for joke-telling, A "How-to" guide to "That's what she said"

I love "that's what she said" jokes. Sure, they're crass, immature, and admittedly over-used, but they're still potentially pretty funny. Especially if the phrase beforehand is long and complex.

The whole reason that this joke is funny, and remains funny, is because it's used sparingly is normally unexpected. Aristotle once said, "The secret to humor is surprise." The reason jokes are funny at all, is usually because the punchline is unexpected. The only way to make that joke even a little funnier is if there's no actual "she" to speak of (as is the case if used by straight women, gay men, or male virgins) because it's even more unexpected and ridiculous.

You know what doesn't make that joke funnier? Correcting someone and saying, "No, that's what HE said!" I don't care if the joke teller is female or gay, if that's what "she" said, leave it be. Now, if someone wants to start the joke off with "That's what he said", more power to them, I guess. The gender isn't really that important to the punchline, to be honest. The whole point of the joke is to suggest that the last sentence used was extremely obscene if taken out of context.

For instance, I was at work one day when someone trying to restock the sales floor said, "This isn't going to fit up front, so I'm going to shove it in the back." Even in context, it was kind of hard to ignore. Regardless though, what this person said was unintentionally hilarious. Had I said, "That's what she said!" it wouldn't have made the joke any funnier by someone else saying, "More like, 'That's what he said!'"

The gender of the person isn't the point of the joke. It just takes the person's mind off what was actually said and makes them focus on why you would feel the need to change the gender. It adds a step to the thought process. Instead of thinking, "Oh, what they said was perverted!" you're now suddenly thinking, "Oh, what that person just said was funny because it was perverted and, as Susan just pointed out,  the joke teller is a straight female so it's actually that's what he said. Nice catch there, Susan! That was a close one!"

See how an otherwise funny joke suddenly becomes a dead horse?

Don't change already funny jokes, even if you think it better fits the situation. It's probably not funnier. It's sort of like if you have a doorbell and want to tell a "knock-knock" joke. You wouldn't start off with "ding-dong!" would you? No. People would look at you like you're an idiot. Because you would be just that, an idiot.

And yes, I realize that Michael Scott, in the video link above, corrects himself and changes the gender a couple times. You know what though? He's Michael Friggin' Scott. He can do what he wants!

Anyway, do you have a favorite "that's what she said" moment? Does this annoy you too? Let me know in the comments below!

And also, instead of posting about something I love on Fridays and something I hate on Mondays, I'll just write about whatever I want on those days. It'd rather do something that's on my mind instead of forcing something out. (That's what she said?)

Monday, February 18, 2013

Today's My Birthday!

I'm taking a day off. No new blog today! Sorry :(

I'll try to make up for it later this week. Lord knows I have enough to complain about.

Friday, February 15, 2013

My love for The Doctor

I'm such a Whovian, it's a little ridiculous. Doctor Who is hands down my favorite television show of all time. It's taken over my life in some of the craziest ways! (For those of you not familiar, look up the show and get back to me. Most of the new series is on Netflix. GO WATCH IT!)

(^^Listen to that as you read this. It'll make my blog seem waaaaaaay more epic than it actually is.)

First and foremost, it's made me realize that anything's possible. Watching that show makes me feel like a kid again. It makes me want to escape to the farthest reaches of the universe and go on the most amazing unforgettable adventures of a life time with my new best friend (and lover, if it's David Tennant), The Doctor.

Of all the possible adventures I could go on with The Doctor, I think what I'd most look forward to is trash-talking Martha Jones with him. I'm pretty sure I could convince him that she was awful. It's like, OK Martha, we get it. You're a med. student. I don't need to hear about it every time someone gets a paper cut. Seriously Martha Jones, drop dead. Maybe your crazy doctor "skillz" will bring you back to life. Oh wait! They won't, will they? They would though if you were a doctor like "The Doctor", right? Isn't that you're favorite go-to joke? "I'm going to be a doctor and you're The Doctor!" But you're still just a med. student, aren't you Martha Jones? Oh well. Just shut up and die. Thanks.

You know who my favorite companions are? I'm absolutely in love with Rose Tyler, Donna Noble, Amy and Rory Pond, River Song, Captain Jack, Mickey. Everyone but Martha F*@#ing Jones.

The Doctor's an incredible man though. Maybe he's brilliant enough to talk me into liking her. It'd be his greatest challenge yet.

As much as I love Doctor Who, it certainly has it's fair share of creepy episodes that make me at least a little afraid of the most insane things, like:
1. My own shadow/any sort of darkness.
2. Weeping Angels.
3. Mannequins.
4. People copying what I say. ("People copying what I say.")
5. My GPS.
6. Water (And not even bodies of water. A glass of water.)
7. My television.
8. Doll houses.
9. Ghosts.
10. Invisible chicken monsters.
11. Drumming in patterns of 4.
12. Losing the love of my life in a parallel dimension.
13. Forgetting the love of my life.
14. Christmas.
15. Little girls who draw.
16. Giant libraries.
17. Ticking clocks.
18. Giant wasps.

...The list goes on. It's an incredible show though, regardless of the trauma it causes me. It's moved me to tears more times than I can count and made me laugh until I hurt.

Do you watch Doctor Who? If so, who's your favorite/least favorite companion and why? And what has Doctor Who made you terrified of?

If you don't watch Doctor Who, watch it. Also, if you don't, has a TV show ever made you afraid of something?

Let me know in the comments section below!

Monday, February 11, 2013

My Hate for Mall Walkers

I work at a mall, and sometimes if I get to work early enough before my shift, I'll sit and eat Dunkin Donuts in the food court. This would be an otherwise pleasent way to spend my morning if it weren't for friggin' mall walkers.

I can't stand anything about then.

First and foremost, they're loud. They're constantly yelling "GOOD MORNING!" and "HEY WHEN DID THEY START LETTING YOU IN HERE!" at eachother. I, for one, am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination. In the morning, especially before coffee, the last thing I want to do is hear people. I think everyone should sit in silence sipping coffee for at least an hour before anyone starts any sort of conversation. But alas, I usually have about three seconds of coffee sipping before mall security opens the doors and they come hobbling on in, hooting and hollering like a bunch of old orangoutangs. There's also this one guy who likes to listen to marching band music on his cassette player as he walks. I wouldn't have much of a problem with it if he used headphones.

They're extremely inconsiderate. Every day they come into the mall and rearrange the tables as they see fit, only to then drape their layers of coats over their now makeshift coat racks. There's this one evil hag who sometimes takes my favorite seat that's far away from everyone, and just leaves her coat there so she can trot around the mall without the inconvenience of her extra layer. I don't much like her. I'd say she's my least favorite mall walker, but she only gets my seat about a quarter of the time. I mostly hate the cliques.

Believe it or not, there are certain "cliques" amongst the mall walkers that you might not know about unless you sit in the mall like a loser and eat breakfast sandwiches like me.

There's what I call the "Gentlemen's Club" who sit over in front of Arby's presumably thinking of ways to make me miserable. These guys are the ones particularly known for their "banter".One time I was unknowingly sitting at one of the tables they normally shove together to fit all 6 of them. As they approached, one of them said, "Should we ask him to move?" Meanwhile, there's a whole room of empty tables and chairs surrounding me. Each one of them could literally have had their own table plus all of the chairs they want to put their feet up and everything. Hell, they could've pushed a bunch of chairs together and made a goddamn bed out of them if they wanted to. Or, with some elbow grease, they could make a casket. But I digress.

The other clique I call "The Council". This is the biggest congregation of shoved together tables, chairs, and old people. There's at least 12 of them all gathered around either gossiping, reading the paper, eating, or playing cards. There's one lady in particular who sits in the center of the group every day. I refer to her as "The Grand-High Witch". I should note that I don't call her this because she's actually a witch (she didn't have purple eyes, at least) and she certainly can't peel off her face Angelica Houston-style. She just sits in the center every day like she's royalty.

I should say that I think it's great people are allowed in the mall to get their exercise on and to socialize. I get it. It's good stuff. But I don't think it would kill anyone to be a little more considerate of others around them. Or maybe it would... I suppose it's best not to risk it at their age.

Also, at the end of the day, the mall is a place for consumerism and shopping. Guess how much shopping they do?